Written by Fuaad Coovadia
Smutsmen are a specialised group of skilled warriors who have no weaknesses and who never cry – especially not at the end of Marley and Me that one time. This is a fact. However, we also know that if we were to publicise this, we would all be taken away by a foreign government, having to spend the rest of our lives in some science lab being prodded and genetically tested so they can figure out how to extract our inner kiffness. Therefore, to seamlessly ease into society and not raise suspicion, all Smutsmen have developed the skill of being awkward, but only for the purpose of not revealing how actually badass we are! Some have developed this skill a lot more than others and live each and everyday being completely awkward. My hat goes off to those brave men.
For the rest of us mere mortals who are only at an average level of awkwardness, we need to work hard on becoming more awkward. Thus, I have searched the Smuts archives and found a pre-historic text dating back to 130 b.d.m ( before Dane Merrick). This text reveals how one could go about being more awkward in the one place where it is most easy to be awkward; the Fuller dining hall. Now we could speak about simple awkward things like dropping your tray when everyone is watching, or going to sit at a table and everyone else picking up their trays and leaving; but the tips we have chosen go far more in-depth into topics that may not have been dealt with before.
- Tracking her meal times
Through your time at Smuts, you will most likely find a Fullerite that makes your heart skip a beat. This is most likely dangerous for your heart. However, being the super-soldier Smutsman that you are, you are probably going to take the risk and still attempt to try and woo her into your life. As every Smutsman knows, the first step in woo-ing a Fullerite is tracking her mealtimes so that you can ‘casually’ bump into her at the salad bar and make some dope-ass small talk. The usual way of tracking mealtimes is to create an excel spreadsheet and record every time she eats breakfast, lunch and supper for a week; and then use a time-series statistical analysis or regression to predict future mealtimes for the rest of her life. So one way you could turn this very natural process into something a little more awkward is by just going up to her with your excel spreadsheet and asking her when she plans on eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the rest of her life and plugging in the values manually. Now the way this works on a psychological level is that it shows the Fullerite that you are incapable of running basic statistical analyses based on sample data, which is extremely embarrassing and therefore perfectly awkward.
- Choosing of food
Another way to hide your true identity is through the meal option you choose. Let’s think about this, if you were a super-soldier, the last thing you would eat are those strawberry pops at breakfast time. Therefore, the recommendation to be more awkward in the dining hall would be to grab a big ol’ bowl of those strawberry pops. But why stop there? If you are truly committed to your awkwardness, you would take your tray, go up to a table of people, rip off the suit that you’re obviously wearing, and pour the strawberry pops all over yourself while maintaining intense blue-steel eye contact with at least two people at that table. This manoeuvre is named after its founder, Geoff Forbes, who – from experience – recommends not using the hot milk if you wish to do this.
- Making of conversation
A Smutsman always ends every conversation with a quote, and it is therefore imperative that this is maintained. Although I know that ending every line you speak in a quote can never be anything but awesome; there is a way to make this awkward. To do this, try and research statements that people have said when high and use these exclusively as your quotes. These weed driven statements are the perfect balance between genius and confusing. For example;
John: “Hey man, how did you find the ecos test?”
Smutsman: “It was ok, a little tricky. And now, in true Smuts fashion, I’d like to end off with a quote: “There is truly no way of knowing how many chameleons are in this room right now.”
John: “Ok… Did you also find that second question quite tough?”
Smutsman: “Yeah it was, and I even remember seeing it in the slides earlier. And now, in true Smuts fashion, I’d like to end off in a quote: “When bald people wash their face, how far do they go?”
Therefore, with these three silver bullets in hand; no Smutsman will venture into the awkward-inducing territory of the dining hall without being able to make full use of the opportunity to be awkward. It must be kept in mind that all Smutsmen are required to be awkward because if even one Smutsman gives away our identity as time-travelling ninja-poets; its all over.
And now, in true Smuts fashion, I’d like to end off in a quote: “Double standards must fall. When I’m drunk I’m not allowed into the dining hall because I see double. But the kitchen staff are allowed to C3.”